Milk

A True Story About Milk. (sort of).

I had to stop at Earth Fare to pick up some milk for the lovely Mrs Jones.

The amount of choice and the depth of brand/product specificity is mind boggling.

There is no such thing as MILK anymore. It takes an algorithm to figure out precisely what type of milk.

And of course, at some point in these shopping excursions, I will call the lovely Mrs Jones in frustration.

Well that always goes in the shitter real quick.

The Call

Me: Melissa this is ridiculous why can’t I just buy milk.

The lovely Mrs. Jones responds –

(TLMJ): Because we don’t do normal cow milk. Nothing from a domesticated cow will enter this house. Only Whole Milk sourced from cows who’s lineage can be traced to the very first cow. Our milk comes from cows directly linked to Adam and Eve’s cow.

Me: Okay. I found it.

TLMJ: Send me a picture of the milk.

…….time passes as pic is inspected.

TLMJ: NOPE. HELL NO. That is an Adam and Eve cow source but the plastic used in the jug is not recycled and is most likely contaminated by pheniletastriabiofromflavoroids…..

ME: What are pheniletastriabiofromflavoroids?

TLMJ: No one knows. But it’s bad.

Me: Well research suggests that too much choice is bad also. It lowers your willpower, creates decision fatigue and increases stress. So if you conduct a simple costs benefits analysis it’s easy to see that it’s better if I just grab a jug of average everyday milk because I will live longer….my stress will be reduced.

TLMJ: I know they have the right milk just ask someone….

The Decision

Me: This is unacceptable. I’m making an executive decision. I’m taking over the grocery shopping for this family. You are relieved of this duty effective today.

…….silence.

Me: Hello? Hello?

No answer. (This is a common grocery store move for TLMJ.

After 26 years the message is clear….”Go ahead, keep playing your games. I will unleash a campaign of psychological skullduggery that will leave you in a fetal position….You aren’t the CEO at home Richard”….. )

…..time passes as I frantically look for the Adam Eve organic plastic jug milk…I find it and call back the TLMJ

The Outcome

TLMJ: Hello…..

Me: I found the milk.

TLMJ: Awwwwwweeeeee….Thank you. You are so sweet. Now grab some extra virgin coconut olive oil sourced from midget goats in the northern Andes mountain range.

Me: No problem. I know right where to find that.

I love TLMJ

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