The Alien

The Alien

Let me tell you a bedtime story…

An alien came to Earth.

Although he was lizard-like in his natural state he spent several years disguised as Tom Cruise during the height of the Mission Impossible franchise.

The lizard alien became bored. Apparently the Tom Cruise thing gets old pretty quick..

He then spent some time disguised as a federal government bureaucrat.

An official working first at the FDA and later at the department of health and human services.

Since he was an alien and capable of amazing feats of bureaucratic compliance he was quickly promoted up through the ranks.

The Epidemic

He found himself suddenly thrust into the role of the director of the Department of Health and Human Services.

He was then tasked with “ending the addiction epidemic”. Although he had never heard about addiction.

Residents of the lizard planet did not require mood or mind altering substances.

They meditated a lot and were mainly vegans.

This seemed to keep things copacetic. In addition, the atmosphere was made up primarily of cotton candy flavored vape juice…so I imaging that helped things along.

Regardless, addiction simply did not exist. He had no concept of what addiction was or how it should be handled.

The Experts

So he ask some experts.

He brought them into his office and ask: What is this addiction thing?

They responded: “Addiction is a brain disorder marked by irrational behavior including use despite clear consequences and use despite clear danger. It is a disease”.

The lizard was intrigued….

The lizard knew about disease and earth’s healthcare system. So he naturally assumed that addiction was handled by the healthcare system.

“Okay”, he said, “why isn’t the epidemic getting better; aren’t the hospitals doing their job”…

The Rehabs

The human bureaucrats responded: “Well sir, addiction is not treated in healthcare.

The people with addiction have to go to special places. Called “drug and alcohol treatment clinics” and “rehabs”.

These places are usually off in some distant location. We would never handle this in hospitals or primary care clinics”…

The lizard was puzzled… “but you call it a disease”?

The Disease

The bureaucrats explained:

“Oh that disease thing is a euphemism to make people feel better… talking points really. We have no idea what addiction is. Quite frankly we think this epidemic will just burn itself out….Its becoming a nuisance. We are doing a great job”…

The lizard was not happy…”Tell me more”…

The bureaucrats were all lathered up and excited at this point. Stumbling over one another to tell the lizard about the splendid model.

“Well sir…we wait for the individual to come to these clinics and get help. They have to hit bottom and do as they are told. Then we can help them get better…. We can treat the disease if they come see us…”

The lizard ask: “Well how many come see you each year”?

The bureaucrats proudly proclaimed:

The Numbers

“10% !…. we see 10% of those in need…We have conferences and celebrations and go on TV and speak as subject matter experts.

We are awesome. This treatment shit works. We haven’t needed to change anything for 70 years…”

The lizard was angry.

“Let me get this straight….

  1. You wait for people suffering from a brain disorder that makes them irrational….
  2. to experience further deterioration of their brain disorder…
  3. so that they will suddenly make a rational decision to come see you at your “clinic” ….
  4. so that you can help them get better from their brain disorder…

Is that correct?”

The bureaucrats were in ecstasy… “Yes sir…Yes sir.. that’s it. Its genius. Its amazing”.

The End Of Everything

The lizard decided at that moment to destroy the entire planet.

He came to the conclusion that human beings were too vapid and empty to exist….

He ate the bureaucrats and then called the mother ship to rain hell down up us all….

the end….. literally.

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